Some questions we ask but yet feel we don't have the right answers, well I believe some of these questions and the way we feel are actually what makes us human, so I see no reason we should feel evil or hate ourselves for it, but rather get strong to work things out. I did some on-line research, asked questions and came up with this.
It is natural to stir up strong, intensely pleasurable feelings, all of which are, should I say fueled or driven by the fact that they are forbidden, mysterious, and secret.
No surprise here. The attraction to the forbidden, secret, and the mysterious is a well-known human tendency, so no self-hating.
For example, why are the things we can't have usually the very things we tend to want more of. (Forbidden),
why the more restricted the information, the more powerful it becomes. (secrets).
Why is it that the less we know about a thing, the more we seem to want to know about it. (Mystery)
This is why affairs hold such a dangerous allure in our culture; Not only do they stir up our emotional appetites, they simultaneously promise us a way to satisfy those appetites. But do they really? (More on this later.)
For now, I want to make another thing clear:
Falling in love with the wrong person doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you an unworthy person. It doesn't make you a stupid person. In fact, all it really makes you is human and therefore capable of making a poor decisions.
The fact that we're capable of making poor decisions also means we're capable of making good ones, provided we're willing to come out of denial.
If you care to know, Denial is the decision not to know, even when we are meant to know or rather, know. It's a type of voluntary ignorance we use to hold off facing a truth we would rather not deal with right now. Forming you don't know, when you are meant know.
Denial can be useful, yes; every one of us has been in denial about something at one time or another, it is so powerful because it provides us with an airtight bubble of protection. It's like a safe house we run to, whenever we want to hide from a reality that threatens or overwhelms us.
But the problem and the truth is…reality doesn't change just because we deny it. What's true doesn't become untrue because we can't handle it. What's inappropriate doesn't become appropriate just because we wish it to.
Bottom line, Denial is deception not safety. It's procrastination, not progress. We can stay in denial for as long as we want, but when we finally come out, the truth will still be the truth. Unembellished. Impersonal. Unchanged.
So, knowing what we know about denial…Why do so many people postpone ending an affair, a wrong one for that matter, when deep inside, they sense it's the right thing to do? well I believe once emotions get involved, the line between what is right and what feels right gets blurred.
lets think about it this way… emmm...Imagine an adult telling a child that eating too many sweets, too many baba dudu sweets all in one sitting will make them sick. (we knows this is a fact.) However, think about how this information is processed from the point of a childs view
but kids see these as glorious, feasting of sweet, sugary deliciousness, which gives them nothing but nothing but pleasurable feelings. Therefore, the child's natural urge is to try to experience those pleasurable feelings for as long as possible, and as many times as possible. So the information the adult shares about what will happen (the truth) directly contradicts the child's experience and desires. And so that adult becomes the enemy, and the child will do almost anything to have his or her way, shey?
Now, if that child happens to have a mother like mine, who believed in the teaching by experience method, then that parent would strike a deal with the child. She would agree to buy the child one dozen sweet, as long as the child agreed to eat ALL of them in one sitting. And then, the wise parent would sit beside the child and watch as the child gulps one sweet after the other…patiently waiting for the inevitable reality check.
As you probably guessed, that's a true story.
By the time the childs stomach starts rumbling , heaven now turns into hell. Sugary sweetness became unbearable; the pleasure became poison, jedi jedi if you know what that means, purging becomes the other of the day.lol.
The point I'm making is this,When our pleasurable emotions get triggered, whether by food, drugs, romance, sex, or extramarital affairs, they make it difficult to tell the difference between things that just feel good and things that truly are good, all we know are just the pleasure.
The two are not always the same, It's important to understand why Because failure to discern between the things that feel good and are good versus those things that feel good but aren't good is why so many of us wind up being stuck and trapped by the pleasurable feelings triggered by the affair. And so, the voice that corrects, advises us becomes the enemy.
through studies and experiences, i have learnt that There are two basic ways:
1. Through pain (like what happened to me and the plenty sweets)
2. Through insight (learning from wisdom, intuition, and foresight)
Obviously, learning from pain is the least desirable option. If I had listened to wisdom and experience, I wouldn't have had to experience that two hours of vomiting and stomach cramps, that is ending up telling a bad tale or experience of not letting whats not meant to be become pleasurable.
The rest is up to you. Are you going to learn from pain, or from insight?
The choice is yours.
However, consider this: The long-term prognosis for extramarital affairs or dating whom you know isnt right is dismal.
According to statistics, less than two percent of affairs ever work out. This puts the odds in about the same category as winning your local lottery. Now, ask yourself, would you pin all your hopes and dreams on a lottery ticket?
I hope not, and just in case you're wondering…
Am I saying that it's impossible for anyone to have an affair and come up smelling like roses? No. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that the odds are not in your favor realistically. The only way to find comfort in the belief that your situation is unique or special or different than other wrong affairs…is to live in denial about what it really is that you're doing.
So, first things first.
You MUST come out of denial.
The feelings, the magic, the ecstasy, the romance, the thrill, the agony, the drama, the lies, the deceit, the secrets, the mystery, the attention, the connection, the high, and the hypnotic spell u put yourself under (as intense as all these might feel) aren't unique.
lets not be fooled by the feelings, True Love (the real deal) isn't a feeling. It's a decision. It's a commitment, so any relationship clothed in deception isn't going to satisfy you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
When you accept these facts, you come out of denial and align with the truth. That truth frees you.
Where do we go from here?
Now, you're at the place in the road where you must choose. Do we want to live in denial, or do we want to align with the truth? we must choose one state or the other. To choose one, we must reject the other.
Which state you live in, is your call. But keep this in mind: While living in truth isn't always easy, it's the only thing you can actually rely on. Because living in denial (as pleasurable as it might be) puts you hand to hand with pain and disillusionment (hope i got that right), while truth puts you on the path to freedom.
So what to do when the wrong relationship or affair feels right is Step One: Come out of denial. (The wrong relationship is the wrong relationship, regardless of how it feels.) and Step Two: Put your trust in the truth; it will not let you down.
Do this, and you're well on your way to freedom.
Remember... Love Wins!
